by K.T. Hall
I’m slightly fortunate in the fact that I have very few “bad dates” under my belt. That said, unfortunately, there’s one poor sucker who will probably forever be known, at least in my mind, as my worst date: “The guy who kissed like a salamander.”
When I tell this story, people start asking questions. “What do you mean he kissed like a salamander? Do you kiss salamanders often?” Well, no. Have you ever seen a salamander, or any reptile? They stick their tongues out every so often, but they also use them when catching prey. When you put that in context, the entire “date” seems like an anomaly.
Due to time constraints, rather than the normal “dinner and a movie”, we opted for just a movie. We opted to go see “Get Smart”, and considering I enjoy Steve Carrell, I was actually looking forward to this movie. And rather than one of us picking up the other, we opted to simply meet at the movie theater.
I waited half an hour for him to arrive, sitting in my car, looking out for him. And when he finally arrived, he did not park his car and step out like one would expect; no, he was dropped off, by his mom. His mom dropped him off so that he could go out on a date. Of course at this point, he had already seen me waiting for him, so I couldn’t exactly back out unless I was prepared with an excuse, which unfortunately, I was not.
Once inside the movie theater, things progressed as normal. I found myself enjoying the movie while we sat in silence. Or at least, we sat in silence for a while, until he started poking me. It became somewhat of a game, actually, where I would poke him back. This continued for a lot of the movie. “Poke.” “Poke.” “Poke.” It seemed like a friendly game; I wasn’t even thinking about the possibility of there being “other intentions”. I did not think he was brave enough to “go in for the kill”.
Boy, was I wrong.
The movie was probably about 3/4ths of the way through when he kissed me. Granted, I use the word “kiss” loosely here, because there was too much tongue for this to truly be classified as a “kiss”. This kiss, what eventually became an awkward make-out session, was like making out with a salamander, because his movements mimicked that of the reptile – in, out, in, out. To make matters worse, he was wearing the type of cologne you’d expect to find in your grandfather’s bathroom. Yet to this day, the most bothersome part of the entire experience was not the guy’s obvious lack of experience in the tango of the lips, but the fact that I completely missed the end of the movie.
To this day, more than three years after the fact, I still don’t know how the movie “Get Smart” ended.