Archive for April, 2012

by André Jute

This is the main street of my town, Bandon in Co Cork, Ireland, on the day we entered the Guinness Book of Records for having the most “leprechauns” gathered together in one place, handsomely beating out the pretenders, 1263 handcounted leprechauns for Bandon to only 1100 (a suspiciously round number, if you ask me) leprechauns for Glenties in Donegal.

But I worried that quibblers, hairsplitters and the terminally skeptical would say, “That’s a streetful of aBandonites dressed in green for some purpose that would shame Sodom and Gomorrah, not leprechauns.” Can’t be denied the record for a quibble! 

Reckoning that, since no one produced a single real leprechaun, even one real leprechaun would do the business of putting us into the Guinness Book of Records, I set out to find a real leprechaun.

Now, the laws of physics being what they are, and leprechauns being thought by most authoritative sources to exist only beyond the spectrum of wavelengths visible to the the human eye — in short, leprechauns being invisible — I decided to box clever and start my leprechaun hunt not with any intention to capture the leprechaun in a box, physically, or on film, visually, but electrically, in its native wavelength. And, since you ask, no, I never believed leprechauns dress in green. That’s an Irish old wives’ tale. So it was no hardship to give up the spectrum of the human eye for another dimension.

I won’t bore you with the failure of my experiments to use electric cattle fencing to herd leprechauns together into a critical mass that would, perhaps, make them visible through reducing their vibrational frequency. Let’s just say that, when I catch up with the leprechaun who reverse-rigged my experimental apparatus to give me a stiff shock, there will be strong words.

Eventually, in the interstices between these technologies and the test equipment available within them, and strictly within the confines of Einsteinian physics, it came to me one day when I was tearing out so much of my hair I went quite light on top, that the bloody leprechauns weren’t appearing in the mirrors in which I was attempting to capture them — leprechauns being invisible in the normal spectrum, remember — because they were disappearing, somehow, crafty little buggers, into the modulus of frustration between the front of the glass and the silver backing that makes a mirror a mirror.

But there are mirrors that deceptively have no depth, made of polished metal. With my huge insight into the nature and behavior of leprechauns, and a few polished stainless steel mirrors, and even stronger (elephant quality) electrical fencing to gently guide the leprechauns (plural — I hoped to capture a breeding family, now that I was on the right track!) towards my clever device for transliterating leprechauns into our dimension, bingo!


Okay, the leprechaun I transported into our dimension vanished in the burst of light expanding from the mysterious crystal in its palm, but nobody can say that Bandon’s place in the Guinness Book of Records was attained by dressing up in green, or indeed anything but the highest level of scientific endeavor.

Donations to this great scientific adventure are welcome. Only $5 million will carry this exciting work forward another two years.

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Andre Jute is a writer and teacher, a psychologist, an economist, an engineer, a graphic designer, and a cyclist. The next thing for which he will be notorious famous is being Dakota Franklin’s creative writing guru.

Books: http://www.amazon.com/André-Jute/e/B001K1KSHI

Blog: http://coolmainpress.com/ajwriting/

Bio & hobbies: http://coolmainpress.com/andrejute.html

 Text and illustrations copyright © 2012 André Jute. Bandon leprechaun parade photo courtesy Journal.ie/Declan Fitzgerald.

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